When Journaling Doesn't Feel Good or Easy, Part 4 of 4: Experiences with Abuse & Betrayal
A four part series on understanding & releasing blocks to a liberatory, nourishing, creative practice, with corresponding podcast episodes
Welcome back to this four part series. We are exploring common themes in the barriers that many people experience in pursuit of a nourishing, liberatory creative practice like journaling, memory keeping, etc. This exploration, as a reminder, is to support all of us in accessing craft, creativity, and writing as forms of self expression, reflection, growth, and (on our best days) nervous system balance. As with the previous pieces, you’re invited to check out the corresponding podcast episode (coming soon!) for more context and conversation, as well as parts 1, 2, and 3 in this series
CONTENT WARNING: This post explores how people who have been impacted by abuse can build or rebuild a nourishing, healing journaling practice. I do share (without explicit detail) about how my own experience in an abusive relationship impacted my journaling practice. This is a long one. Come back as needed.
NOTE: Additionally, content in this post is organized around you, the reader, having a baseline of current safety, and is not about how to navigate or escape current abuse. If you need support with that, I send you love and community, and encourage you to consider contacting The National Domestic Violence Hotline. They have options for phone, text, and chat. Please take care, and if having this post visible on your device does not feel safe, please close it now and clear your browser history. Everyone deserves safety, including you.
Welcome, paper and pen friends.
This post has been on my heart for a long, long time. First, I want to tell you that if experiences with abuse and betrayal are impacting your creative voice, your nourishing practices: I’m so sorry. You are certainly not alone in that difficult space; it can feel unbearably lonely nonetheless.
So many people have shared with me over the years that keeping a journal, diary, or memory book feels overwhelming or even scary. Some of you have a journaling practice that you feel locked out of, because the painful past becomes present when you turn to a blank page. You might feel like you need to rebuild your practice. Some of you have never had a practice, and are interested in building one for the first time…but even looking at a journal feels uncomfortable.
Before we explore, I would like to invite you to create a pathway to at least a little bit of psychological and emotional safety, right now.
gather a glass of water and a pen you love
find yourself a comfortable surface to take a position that offers the most ease, and seek the most pleasant temperature you need right now (add a blanket, take off a layer, etc),
if accessing breath feels supportive and balancing, take a deep breath in through your nose and out through you mouth; if breath work doesn’t offer nervous system ease, feel in to what you need - you might shake your hands, or stand up, kick, close your eyes, yell into a pillow, roll your neck, pull your shoulders down and back, etc. Take as much time as you need.
put one hand on your heart, or any other part of your body that helps you feel present and connected
read this affirmation out loud or in your head, as many times as you like:
I am capable of holding this space for myself. I can explore what I need in order to access a nourishing journaling practice, and it doesn’t matter how long it takes me to find home in my journal. I will arrive when I am supposed to arrive. I am safe in this moment, and I invite my body to settle in to a feeling of safety.
drink your water and spend a moment in gratitude for this valuable substance that hydrates and gives life (what a gift)
rub the palms of your hands together until they feel warm, and place your pen between your warm hands, consider saying out loud or in your head:
This pen is my friend, and wants what’s best for me
Look around where you are, notice what you see, hear, smell, feel. Consider saying out loud or in your head:
I am in this place, in _______ (insert where you are, like bedroom, for example), and I am present in this moment.
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